Our conversation lasted fifteen.
It began with "How was Windsor?"
I proceeded to tell him that it was lovely, that I had an excellent few days.
This was followed by ten minutes of aggressive, empty, ignorant, emotionally-loaded nonsense focused on my lack of responsibility toward my family, my terrible judgment, my poor reasoning, and my bleak future.
Then he stopped, as if to gather his hurtful thoughts, pursed his lips, and closed his eyes, like the words he was about to say were burning a hole in his mind, so much that he was forced to spew them out, uttering at last, "I know I did something wrong raising you. You don't know what's important, you don't make any sense, you're abnormally clumsy, you can't focus, you can't remember anything, you're like a retard. You're not normal, but I guess you never have been. Normal people know how to make decisions and act like adults. And normal people don't have to be told something forty times before remembering to do it (this last part aimed my failure to remember to lock the door before going to smoke with Crystal). Basically, normal people don't act anything like you act now".
I smirked and pretended to stifle a laugh. Then, I went to my bedroom and cried. I would have taken it better if he had just told me to fuck off like he always does. I think I'll remember those words forever.
My father likes to blame me for our not being close anymore,
Yet he never once, in my entire life, bothered trying to be the kind of man whose words and actions wouldn't alienate his own daughter. Why would I want to spend time with someone who hurts my feelings, belittles me, attacks my points of view, ridicules me, gets angry when our opinions diverge, and makes me feel truly unworthy and unsuccessful in everything I do, simply because I choose walk a path other than the one he deems optimal, sensible, righteous.
I am thankful for my ability, after twenty years of this, to have resisted his indoctrination.
My self-awareness. Hindered me, it has. However, if my dad was as self-aware as I, he may be able to see that though he is a brilliant man, his perception is deeply flawed because he fails to critically assess his own judgments and mindsets. He is close to being identical to me in many ways, without the awareness and the self-evaluation that permits me to rid myself of assumptions, grow as a person and open my mind a little more each day of my life. Never will I think that I am all-knowing.
It gets real dangerous when you are too busy gawking at someone else's ignorance to notice your own.
_____________________________________
Windsor really was incredible though. I had a much needed great time. I tried really hard to shed my social unease, which I inherited from both my mother and father.
I love the fact that the states are a mere twenty minutes away. I love the university, the downtown scene, the roads, the people, E's friends, his family. The only thing that will take some major getting used to is the heat/humidity. I'm not accustomed to the weather and it has made me really drowsy during the day. Other than that though, I think that if all goes according to plan, living in Windsor will be superb.
Still, I was surprised to find myself home sick. I guess I missed my typical northern lifestyle a little.
Eddie and I in the Ceasar's room that his mum hooked us up with. I'm so glad he loves me and my computer screen tan. Or, "my computer screen tan and I", he would say, to which I would reply, "no, you don't have one". And then he would smile and give me the finger,
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